What No One Tells You About Mourning Your Former Self
Mourning Your Former Self
Mourning your former self has to be the worst form of mourning, right?
When we attend funerals for loved ones, it’s painful because you not only have to physically see them laid to rest but also adjust to life without them.
Seeing your past self being “put to rest” is different. It’s not a physical death—it’s a mental one. And anything that happens beyond what you can see with your eyes is always a challenge for me.
The Death of Who I Used to Be
In my opinion, one of the biggest causes of postpartum depression is being forced to completely die to the woman you were before becoming a mother.
That’s a huge challenge because the woman I was before was awesome. She was fit, confident, bubbly, fun, plus a lot more. I’m still all of those things, just a variation of them. But as Christian women, we know God always has something even better for us than what we think is “the best it can get.”
The transition into this refined and, may I add, stunning young woman 😉 was definitely a challenge, but it was worth it.
It all started when I watched my friends on social media going out, having a good time, and living the way I used to while I was inside, depressed and making bottles. I thought to myself, “Dang, how did I end up here?”
Before, my only worry was where to eat dinner. Now, I had to think about 401Ks, trust funds, and diaper rashes. Sigh.
Losing Friends, Finding Perspective
A lot of new moms feel anger or abandonment from their friends after the big change, but I didn’t.
For the most part, I’ve always been a logical woman. I know, totally against the stereotype of being “emotional creatures.” But because I’m logical, I couldn’t blame my friends for continuing to live their fulfilling lives. Just because mine stopped didn’t mean theirs had to.
Sure, it hurt. I wished it were different. But logically, it would’ve been selfish of me to bring them down over an adult decision I made myself.
Before pregnancy and postpartum, I had no idea what it was really like. My Google and TikTok “research” wasn’t enough, so how could I expect anyone else to understand what I didn’t?
Growing apart from friends wasn’t new to me, but this time it felt different because it was something I did. It was my fault. It’s easier to grow apart when you’re ready, but it creates a deeper wound when it’s abrupt.
“It’s life, it happens all the time,” I told myself to cope. And I learned that just because major events shift the dynamic of a relationship doesn’t mean it has to completely end; it’s just different now.
My Wilderness Season
That acceptance pushed me into what I now call my “wilderness season.”
But just like the Israelites, I needed that wilderness to reach my promised land—in my case, the new and better version of myself.
The isolation forced me to not only enjoy my own company more but also crave love and attention elsewhere, specifically, from Jesus.
I’ve always enjoyed being alone, but there are only so many hours in a day. To prevent myself from going insane, I started spending time with Jesus when I wasn’t on solo dates. Situations like this are proof that God will do exactly what’s necessary to lead us directly to Him.
Letting Go of My Old Identity
I used to wonder why it took the Israelites forty years to make it out of the wilderness, but it makes total sense now. Having blind faith isn’t easy, especially when you’re leaving comfort for something completely new.
My problem was accepting that my identity had changed, and I didn’t want it to. I wanted to remain in the wilderness and hold on to my former identity.
So often, we see hard situations as punishment, but we don’t serve that kind of God.
I remember thinking, “This is what I get for having sex before marriage.” But God, being merciful, used this intense situation to mold me and prepare me for my destiny.
Becoming Her
Do you ever daydream? When I do, I can see her. I can see what she’s wearing, how she walks, how her hair is styled, even how she smells. I can see her so vividly that I can almost touch her.
She would be a great Christmas gift.
I wish I could wake up tomorrow morning and see her staring back at me in the mirror, but God’s timing has never failed me, so I’m willing to be patient.
I’m at peace with the process because I want to be prepared and for my transformation to be permanent. It’s easy to fall back into old habits or develop imposter syndrome, so I’d rather take my time.
Even though depression was hard, it gave me the tools I needed to become her. So now, I’m actually excited to face new challenges. Bring it on, because every obstacle is just a bridge to where I need to go.
The Daily Shift
Postpartum taught me that I’m improving every day. I’m determined to reach my goals, and every day I’m blessed to be on Earth, I want to make it meaningful.
I want my daughter and my Savior to be proud. I refuse to live lazily or carelessly when generations are depending on what I do with my time.
And I’ve already started.
I’ve been learning to appreciate being a morning person. I used to hate hearing an alarm before the sun touched my face, but some people don’t get that privilege, so I’m grateful.
Now, instead of listening to music on the way to work, I listen to motivational YouTube videos from inspiring women. I’ve been doing this for two weeks, and I already feel a difference, not only in my mood, but in how I carry myself and how disciplined I am toward my goals.
I’ve realized that a lot of the things I used to do in my free time were deadly distractions, habits that were eating away at my life and prolonging my transformation.
So I’m replacing them, slowly. Instead of doom scrolling, napping, or filling my mind with noise, I’m feeding myself inspiration and learning new skills.
Becoming Her, Inside and Out
I’ve imagined how she looks, but what does she think? What are her strengths? Her weaknesses? Her reputation?
Those qualities go deeper than looks.
So although I’m beginning to look the part ;), the depth I need isn’t there yet. Instead of being content with surface-level growth, I’m using my reflection as fuel to sustain the woman I’m becoming.
Everyone appreciates a woman who looks put together, but people respect a woman who can back it up with her talent, discipline, and grace. That type of respect has to be earned, and it can’t be done alone.
Only God can help me get there. Faith without works is dead, so I’m willing to do my part, but I know I can’t do it alone.
My surrender and obedience will shape me into her, and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m already proud of how far I’ve come, so I can only imagine how amazed I’ll be in a few years when I meet her face to face.
Closing Reflection
If you’re mourning your old self, remember this: God doesn’t take her away to punish you; He’s preparing you for who you were always meant to be.
Letting go hurts, but what’s waiting on the other side of surrender is wholeness. You’re not losing yourself, you’re evolving into the version of you that Heaven has already seen.
Be patient with your process. One day, you’ll look back and realize the woman you were grieving has become the foundation for the woman you were praying to become.
If you loved this message, feel free to check out my first post to get a little background information about my testimony.
